I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
