and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
