I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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