I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
