mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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