I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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