$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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