My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
