she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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