Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
