he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
