I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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