So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
