I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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