Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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