She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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