Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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