How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
