Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We left the knife in your bed.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
