Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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