I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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