she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
