so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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