Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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