I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
