The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
