I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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