If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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