btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She told me I should be a condom model.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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