I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
