Please don't use social media to get back at me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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