If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
