Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
