It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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