i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
