I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
