I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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