I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
