So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Alive.
So much puke
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
