I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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