I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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