god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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