Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
