Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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