i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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