when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
