Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
