Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
