My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
