A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
